Our body is a perfect life form and is designed to regenerate and heal. If we create the right conditions, we have a natural ability to heal the effects of traumatic events. What constitutes these appropriate conditions for healing, how to take advantage of them and how to recognize that experience is a step towards health?
In a nutshell, traumatic experiences can be described as a feeling of separation and helplessness in the face of a great threat. The way out of such a state is to restore a sense of belonging and a sense of agency. In this order. The first and most important thing is to regain a sense of belonging, which will naturally restore agency.
The most effective way to do this is the compassionate presence of another adult (not a child) who will listen with loving kindness and understanding to the story of the hurt or traumatized person. The attitude of both people and the story itself matter.
A kind witness
The attitude of a witness is that of a loving observer. Respect, kindness, patience, confidentiality. With true compassion, without giving advice, without looking for reasons or blame, without trying to repair, comfort or cheer up a wounded person. The task and gift of such a witness is to allow the person to relive the difficult experience without feeling separated, in the presence of kind support on their side. It is best if the witness has a well-regulated nervous system, has a large capacity for all emotions and is not afraid to touch pain. Their respect, compassion and kind loving presence are essential conditions for soothing the pain and, therefore, the reactivity of the nervous system of a traumatized person.
A hurt/wounded/traumatized person
The role of this person is the most important in this conversation. They decide when, how and how much or how little to share.In this way, they regain agency. They have to feel safe and respected in each of these decisions. They have to be sure that everything they say will stay in the space and the story will not be repeated to third parties or used as an argument in further conversations. They need to be sure that the story will be respected from a place of compassion, without judgement or interpretation.
A story
To be healing, the story should be told from the 'I' perspective. It is a challenge, it requires courage but it is a must.
After such a conversation, especially the person who tells their story, may feel a whole range of states, emotions and sensations. For example, they may feel like crying or burst into tears straight away, they may want to laugh and burst out laughing, they may feel very tired, emotional or want to be left alone. Every reaction is valid and should be respected.
If you have wonderful friends or family members with whom you are able to have such deep healing conversations, my best congratulations. These conversations are the healing experiences for any life challenges.
Remember that some subjects or events may be too difficult for your loved ones to hold and you may need more professional support.
Translated by: Galina Tarasiuk, Marta Ferenc.
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